Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Huge, if true.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.