I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am