I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.