If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.