Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
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*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Very good! 👍😂
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Become ungovernable.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!