Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
❤️🦆
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Trying
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.