Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
It was Timothy鈥檚 second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Him: I don鈥檛 believe I caught your name.
Her: I don鈥檛 believe I threw it.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
馃攰
when people say they鈥檙e into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren鈥檛 real
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 馃槻
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn鈥檛 even smile
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht