Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.