My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
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“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Breaking news:
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”