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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato