Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.