While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
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Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture