That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Yes, this is exactly right
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone