Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
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My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
barbara was highly relatable
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
twitter users today:
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.