They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
went fishing caught a bass
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !