[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.