I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Happy weekend !
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.