Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless