I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry