I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Love it! 👍😂
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.