I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry![]()
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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