I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
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A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?