It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?