telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
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How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?