[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.