My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”