@XplodingUnicorn

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

You Might Also Like

@TheCattyLady

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

@joe_binkley

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

@nice_mustard

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

@Book_Krazy

WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.

@XnotafunnyladyX

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

@HaaveYouMetTim

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

@oldmanweldon

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

@SkinnerSteven

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

@10InchesPlus

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.