11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
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(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I want what they have
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?