Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
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Things that are loud:
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.