Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!