Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
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Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Bed should get ready for ME
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*