HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

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Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.


Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.


[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?


I just spilled my hot coffee all over this guy who said “Nice tits!” to my 15 year old daughter.

I’m such a clumsy mom.


Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in


[both get shot]


HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?


Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.


*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh


thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent


Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.