HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Try and stop me.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler