My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
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Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.