I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
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Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos