My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
got so much cardio in today
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
they really do be looking like this
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
