Kids forever killing vibes 💀
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I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
men, we mow at sunrise.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
A French press is when you hug naked
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.