Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
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I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I triple waxed for this?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company