I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My dog ate my work from home.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.