Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name