“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…