Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.