me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You Might Also Like
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Hilarious if literal: arms race
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.