If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
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*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…