[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
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The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
How about daylight saves us for once
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
My background check bounced.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus