[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
You Might Also Like
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
If you love someone, let them sleep.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Wait a minute…
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.