The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
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BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Very good! 👍😂
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[shakes fist at other fist]