The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
britain’s three elite institutions
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My friend is an excellent librarian.