[shakes fist at other fist]
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”