[shakes fist at other fist]
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.