Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
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PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
This hospital has everything
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope