Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy