Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”