“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
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Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse