Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
You Might Also Like
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.