Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
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Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Boom, boom, ching!
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.