Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Me irl
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]