‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.