I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”